One day before school reopened and we got ready to march back to school with ammunition in hand, strapped on body and stuffed in bag, I had a horrifying nightmare. It could have been romantic, I think, given the subject matter of the dream… but it was more terrifying, and the emotions that toiled through my gentle sleeping soul (most vulnerable to strong tidal currents of emotion because of the haunting, foreboding nature of school) was so overwhelming I actually jumped up on my bed at 3 in the morning.
Yes, I dreamed that I almost married.
The key word here is almost. Well, if I had married in my dream, I would be elated (provided I know who the groom is and all that). It could have been a charming, satisfying, rosy little dream. But I didn’t get married. I woke up before anything could happen. So I guess I’m left hanging in oblivion.
Well, here was how the dream went. I was proposed to by X, a fuzzy while back. But because we have been so busy with work commitments, we have not had a decent conversation in ages. (Ignoring the married part, there is some degree of truth in that.) So in the dream it was a Friday, and we were suppose to get “married” on Saturday. My brain and heart was trying to recall if it was a wedding we had planned or if it was just the registering of marriage. If it was the former, things looked confusingly bleak and worrying – we may have to postpone it. But if it was just signing of some legal documents and exchanging some vows, I need only call my family and witnesses down… right?
The only problem was, I did not know how to contact him to double check. I couldn’t just wait until he called me, could I? But I did not know if I should call, or send a text message. I was growing cold and numb from fretting (like literally cold sweat) and I would have sought advice from my mum, but the embarrassing and strangest part was that I did not tell her about X or the proposal. If I did break the news to her then, I recall feeling/thinking, it would have shocked the wits out of her and raging disapproval would have flowed out from her.
So you see, it was horrifying to think that I did not know if I was getting married truly, I did not know what status my relationship with the groom was, I did not know who to turn to, and my family and friends had no clue about my possible marriage. To sum it all up, it was obviously – a bad idea.
I accredit this nasty nightmare to the fact that those emotions I felt in my dream, runs parallel to the emotions I was feeling one day before school reopened. A woman without promise of a groom or wedding can only feel extreme vulnerability and insecurity; so would a teacher entering a class after a long time. A woman without the support and comfort of her family can only feel helpless and humiliated; so did I, feeling so unprepared for school.
The strangest detail, which I left out when retelling this tale to my colleagues and friends, was that there was a face to this X in the dream. The emotions I felt through the dream is also an amplified version of those same emotions and confusions I have toward him. That is the disturbing part of it, because there is now this nagging feeling that “us” is a bad idea.
We will see.