Tonight I just feel lonely.
Mum had some guests over for dinner so I made spontaneous plans to meet a friend for movie and dinner. Watching “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” again was surprisingly satisfying – the motifs enhanced, the thrill still very real. Then our dinner conversation drifted to our personal future plans – which stirred up these weird sensations in my stomach.
She has been persistent about my signing up for a “prestigious” dating agency, or for me to go out there and “socialise”. It is not the first time and usually when people raise the idea I brush it away quite expertly. I do believe that God is sovereign and in His time, I will meet someone, and I tell them that unflinchingly, I do not need to spend time or money searching for someone because the idea of “seeking out” a partner seems like a path dangerously wrought with land mines. A partner should first and foremost be a friend, and if two people could be attracted to each other only after one meeting, the questions of what you are drawn to and what the attraction is based on closely precede. It was not so easy to explain this idea in person though, and for a good ten minutes, I was stumbling over my words, a somewhat tenuous but desperate attempt to explain my reasoning, and yet staying very firm to what I believed.
Then she said something that stunned me – because it rang horrifyingly but potentially true – what if, what if I grow old without getting married, without ever experiencing love, and end up like a number of my colleagues at work – single, hard hard workers, who are so alone and narrow-minded and frigid in their thought it scares me. They could possibly be a startling reflection of who I may become in the future. I gasped at the horrendous possibility, and my heart sank at the plausibility of the scenario: twenty years from now, living alone, working alone, and (I can’t go on).
For the whole drive home questions plagued my mind, and strange feelings, almost akin to despair, tugged at my emotions back and forth. I do not usually give in to my feelings in this way, but all of a sudden, I realised that this desperation, this desire for a life companion, is normal and is real. I have had friends talking openly about their fears and hopes in the past, why was it that I could never quite relate to their honest thoughts in the same way? I may have been running away from an idea of “love” for some time, fearing that I could not, or did not know how to accept, respond to and reciprocate that emotion. Given that I don’t exactly have a pair of happy parents to model what true love is since my parents’ divorce, I guess I do find myself wondering how a relationship is actually suppose to work.
There are also these little moments in time when I question my own worth. Am I good enough for a person to spend the rest of his life with, really? Am I nice enough? I find myself thinking sometimes. I also think I do not trust easily. I act like an open book sometimes but the truth is I am extremely selective about what I choose to reveal and how much, and I swing back and forth between hot and coldness. Today, I am just feeling cold.
I turn to the only person I can trust to share all these feelings and thoughts with. Someone who could best understand my apprehensions and fears, my hopes and dreams, and my confusions and conflicting emotions. We were suppose to meet before the new year, but given the busyness of the pre-new-year season, she had to postpone it. Gosh it is awfully selfish of me to feel disappointed, but the truth is, I am. It feels like someone tried to lift but dropped a heavy rock back into my heart (ha).
It is silly. I have begun germinating this dream to live on my own with an adopted dog as a best friend to accompany me through life. I have even began reading up on breeds of dogs and HDB rules on keeping animals as pets. But everyone I share this dream with says it is way too sad a dream to be pursuing.
I have honestly no clue. What should I do to get out of this rut?